John Howard

Let's seek to include, rather than replace

I read with interest a recent article in regards to staff at the Australian National University (ANU) in Canberra being asked by academics to stop using the word 'mother' and instead say 'gestational parent'.

As part of a bid to introduce gender-inclusive teachings, ANU's Gender Institute Handbook has also asked for fathers to be referred to as the 'non-birthing parent' and 'breastfeeding' to be replaced with 'chestfeeding'.

While a spokesman for the ANU, Australia's top-ranked university, has stated that the document is not an official part of the institution, it has certainly reignited some debate across the globe and various social media platforms. Indeed, it was a poll on Facebook that asked should words like 'Mother' and 'Father' be replaced for more gender-fluid terms. 

Just to be clear, I stated that I am most fervently against replacing words that have been reassuring, comforting and so rewarding to me over the years, but in no way do I discount anyone's right to use gender-neutral phrases. 

I have been called a few things over the years and nothing comes close to the word 'Daddy' being uttered my beautiful daughter for making me feel strong, relevant and proud. Parenthood is an honour and one I place above all else in terms of importance. 

Human nature has a tendency to go from one extreme to another. For far too long, minority groups have fought, and are still fighting, for basic equality and recognition, but so often we find ourselves in the realms of throwing the baby out with the bath water.

The picture at the top of the article is indeed me with my child. Posing after we had made bracelets, she'd had fun with her daddy that day and so had I. Not a very 'man' thing to do some may say, but who cares! Thankfully I don't have any images after she has tried to give me a makeover (a blessing believe me) but these are the memories that I will cherish forever and, hopefully, so will she. 

A few years back she decided to try her hand at football. More interested in messing around and looking in the huge mirror at the studio where lessons took place, she quickly moved onto dancing and musical theatre, and is a keen swimmer. Often stating her intentions to follow in her mother's footsteps and become a nurse, she has switched focus to wanting to be a police officer when she grows up. Always willing to run, she believes that will stand her in good stead to 'catch bad guys'. 

My wife an I parent our way. I personally believe that there are no such things as exclusively girl professions and exclusively boy professions, and would be as supportive of her if she was a bricklayer as I would if she were a secretary. Both of the aforementioned are a number of professions still viewed by many as a stereotypical choice in regards to gender and there are still many jobs that are dominated by one particular sex over another. Personally, I don't believe that gender should prohibit dreams or ambition but I am not that naive to think it doesn't. 

I'm also not that arrogant to assume that my family unit is the right, or only, way. There are same-sex couples that are loving parents while many single fathers and mothers are doing incredible jobs in raising loved, well-adjusted children in safe, secure homes. 

I am also aware that in every type of family there are parents who elect to raise their children as gender fluid. There is no handbook and no magic path on how to be the perfect parent. That simply doesn't exist. Every family unit has strengths and weaknesses as much as every human being has faults. 

If you are not hurting yourself or anyone else, then live your life however you see fit. If that life encompasses children, parent your way! 

And this, in a round about way, leads me to my point. While the article detailed a study carried out by a group of academics, it was the word 'replace' which was the biggest cause of concern and disappointment for me. Mum and Dad will never be replaced and nor should it. My daughter knows what she is and identifies that way. She is acutely aware of the differences between male and female, but has always been encouraged to pursue interests, regardless of what may be deemed as a 'boy' or 'girl' thing to do. Someone who enjoys playing with dolls, she is also happy kicking a football and is not a big fan of wearing pink. 

Her decision!

I don't wish to be known as the 'non-birthing parent', but respect anyone's wish should that be their choice of term. One of the human race's biggest strength is its adaptability to change. Be it work/life balance, modern technology, or the evolution of language, we continue to develop and live. We accept and we, sometimes, replace. But we should also include were appropriate. 

And from a dad to a non-birthing or gestational parent, good luck! I'd like to think that we all want the same thing, even if we do use different names when trying to achieve it.